Memoirs of my heart
I have been journeying the past few years into territory that never before have i traversed.
I have scaled impenetrable cliffs, meandered through the most luscious forests, trekked the harshest deserts parched and trembling. I have encountered mirages, fairies, trolls and shadows that follow my every step. I have been christened by waterfalls and dragged into the depths of the wild seas by powerful tides whose surges demand my surrender. I have been kissed by countless sunrises, every cell ravished by the resplendent hues of life arising. I have met grace in darkened alleys, inside empty cupboards and within my body as lovemaking fuses my cells to the dark light of cosmos.
I am journeying the frontiers of my heart.
I made one decision the moment my soul beckoned me to step onto the footpath of the great love leaving behind the comfort of autonomous rambling.
I was going all the way.
All the way down to the depths of my heart inside the chambers of terror and fear that sheath the treasures of my eternal soul and the limitless nature of love. As I continue my descent into new heart-scapes I have come up for air to reflect on the teachings of my heart as a guide for deep loving and living.
There is one certainty in life and that is we have choice- we can choose how we meet love and for some loving with a guarded heart (either consciously or unconsciously) is a reasonable path. It means we don’t touch the places where terror and fear reside; one can live without even knowing these chambers exist. We look out upon the world with bemusement and relief that life seems uncomplicated in comparison to the madhouse around.
This used to be me.
The terrors and fears of the heart are birthed through the entry of our soul into embodiment. The collective abandonment wound of humanity is that we are separated from source and are ultimately alone. We have forgotten the threads to our divine parents who are no where to be seen or felt and we deeply descend into the isolation of matter. This collective wound plays out in the personal realm as we project our core despair onto our parents, partners and anyone who comes close to our tender, frightened heart.
I have turned to face these parts of my heart and as I do so everything that is not love within me has arisen with great force leaving me no choice but to feel everything.
Everything that exists.
I have had to find a divine anchor to hold myself steady as wave upon wave of grief and fear crash through my heart and the armour that dammed my deepest core soul wounds bursts open.
So here are the teachings of my own heart, my heart memoirs, from my heart to yours.
Whatever you feel, chose not to close. What I do know for sure is that I am not going to die and as strange as this sounds I have come to points where I felt I would die if I kept my heart open. Stay connected to your heart at all times and the moment it flinches or you feel it closing, guarding or numbing, Stop, Take a breath and choose to stay open. Let the energy or emotion pass through your heart instead of closing, stay with your feelings. This has been one of the hardest things for me to do and it takes great consciousness to track the flutterings of heart movement.
Make peace with your most needy, vulnerable parts and decide they are also welcome. One of the hardest parts of mining my heart was accepting that I have parts that are fragile, tender and afraid. Most of my life I have denied and shamed these aspects within me. I uncovered them inside my heart chambers as trembling children huddled in a darkened corner. To grow these parts up we need to welcome them as part of the council of our wholeness. Although I do not want these parts to lead me into the world I want their voices heard and I want to go as slow as they need, to hold compassion and tenderness for them as they arise from the dark blinking into the light of my awareness. I am choosing not to leave them behind as I delve into loving and being loved.
Chose not to separate difficulties or issues as individual experiences but decide to merge them into ‘us’. When in partnership decide to merge everything that arises as existing within the container of ‘us’. One of the great pains of the heart in partnership is when we distance ourselves from our partner deeming a reaction or response that feels unacceptable as ‘their problem’, Choose to see all reactions and responses as part of the joint partnership as one person expresses what is held within BOTH. Choose not to contribute to the ongoing isolation of the soul by creating individual problems of the heart. Everything that exists also lives within our own existence- this is unity consciousness. What you are unable to accept in your partner reveals aspects within you that are pinched off from love.
Bring out your dead. Choose to unlock the vault hiding everything you feel ashamed of within yourself into the partnership Own the parts of you that control or manipulate, pull back the curtains to reveal your ugliest, most selfish, hardened, cold hearted parts. Open the cellar doors trusting that these parts can come home to love under the light of awareness, welcome the hideous parts of your partner as your own mask.
You are not your experiences. Where possible try to maintain mindfulness of the broader journey of your soul embodied; you are not your experience or emotions. You are limitless in nature having chosen to explore the realm of life on this planet and although you are deciding to have a powerful and deep experience within matter, your true essence is not this. As humanity we are given the opportunity to walk the tightrope of experiencing the depths of life while holding to the truth of our existence. Fall deeply into your partner (or someone you love) but also maintain your alignment to your own soul and to source itself.
Hold a vision for your heart and your partnership. Do not lose focus on the purpose of your heart journey. What do you envision for your heart? What brought you together with your partner? Create a vision of love and when the storms roll through hold onto this vision. Without a vision or purpose it is easier to close our hearts and choose to not journey into territory that is difficult. This has been a huge key for me during some of the darkest moments, knowing that there is a greater purpose, my soul is choosing this experience to grow and transform. Locating the personal experience within the transpersonal journey also helps this as the recognition that everything you are experiencing is for and through the collective. Each moment you choose to keep your heart open or reveal more of who you are, the world heart opens and reveals itself more, the grace of love moves through the group soul.
In deep gratitude for my heart and yours as together we make the journey home to the truth that we are already love.