Clawing my way back to Eden

AUTHOR | WINTER JADE ICELY

 

This full moon has brought many insights into my waking world, themes around acknowledging and embracing my desires, even those that seem ‘unpalatable’.

I have recently returned from a week’s training in Spiritual, Sexual, Shamanic Initiation (ISTA) during which I met a powerful energy in my shadow- that of the temptress, seductress, whore. I have journeyed with the archetype/goddess Lilith for many years, feeling her resonance, her anguish and rage. She is deeply embedded within my personal and transpersonal experience of life and has birthed many projects and visions (including Sex Witch). During the week’s immersion I saw clearly that I had (consciously /unconsciously) cast her sexual expression to the cobwebbed corners of my psyche. During the week I felt her intensely snaking up my spine, her claws around my neck, hissing in my ear.

She was not happy.

I carry shame around my temptress energy and it’s shadow state of manipulation/ abuse of power/ cold heartedness... the snake. I often feel like a mistress in my sexual connections with others; the hidden mistress, the dirty secret. I assume people will judge me for 'luring' or 'manipulating with my sexual energy' and I consequently conceal these interactions from others. What has come through this week is that not only am I denying the power of this energy in it's erotic purity and beauty- I am not fully owning the desires that this energy initiates. The desire to both destroy and love.

The desire to take, with the full force of my power; to suck, fuck, bite, scratch consume, ravish, kill. With love. In worship.

To hold death in my scaly, blood stained fingertips and breathe it’s carcass back into life with the love that is at the core of my warm blooded womb.

There is an insidious discourse dating back to the bible and the story of adam/eve and Lilith/snake that condemns a woman who has strong sexual powers/desires. This discourse skulks in the murky swamps of the collective consciousness of women, activated each time a woman (or girl) is silenced by ‘slut’ and shamed by ‘whore’. I teach and work in the field of sexuality and although on a cognitive level I know that there is no shame in this energy, I still carry guilt and shame, implanted within my cells.

The healing needed for me is to bring this energy (no matter how big it is) into the light of day and have her seen transparently, to peel away her fear of being demonised from a woman to a snake. I had a direct experience of this at the training during our morning sharing circle. As other participants were speaking I felt a wave of heat course through my body and I began to shake. A powerful and uncontrollable voice from within snarled “it is my turn now”. I crawled into the circle and roared, a deep fury screaming aloud my desires to kill and love and not be shamed. I held my pussy and my heart tightly and screamed. I screamed for me, for Lilith, for all women trapped by shame. I screamed for my daughter and for the girls growing up in a society and a world that condemns the full expression of a woman.

I slithered back to my cushion and looked around the room. I was met with expressions of love and acceptance.

I inhaled.

I was still in the garden of Eden.

By Winter Jade Icely

Winter Jade Icely